the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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