you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
