I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
