I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
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