listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Randomize
