cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
