I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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