Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
