I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
