Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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