Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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