My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Randomize
