this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
