please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
