I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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