my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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