So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Randomize
