Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
