I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
