At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
