Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
