did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
