i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
