Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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