im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
