Texts From Last Night

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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control

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  (502): I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control http://tfl.nu/izk5
  Replies (46) Good night (862) Bad night (8444)
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.

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  (+44): I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life. http://tfl.nu/7cvo
  Replies (21) Good night (8720) Bad night (836)
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?

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  (804): Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days? http://tfl.nu/vlwi
  Replies (7) Good night (3206) Bad night (737)
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?

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  (816): at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea? http://tfl.nu/mw1i
  Replies (13) Good night (3390) Bad night (1057)
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.

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  (905): Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should. http://tfl.nu/b27t
  Replies (45) Good night (9134) Bad night (2714)
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  (925): View more from California

  you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left

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  (925): you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left http://tfl.nu/56sv
  Replies (4) Good night (3653) Bad night (950)
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  How do you feel?

  (1-970): View more from Colorado

  Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.

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  (970): How do you feel? (1-970): Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again. http://tfl.nu/th8n
  Replies (6) Good night (1002) Bad night (1529)
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire

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  (757): he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire http://tfl.nu/du1v
  Replies (5) Good night (1391) Bad night (511)
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!

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  (918): You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner! http://tfl.nu/v9u1
  Replies (3) Good night (706) Bad night (468)
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  (561): View more from Florida

  I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.

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  (561): I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished. http://tfl.nu/wm2d
  Replies (1) Good night (1125) Bad night (380)
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.

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  (701): I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks. http://tfl.nu/hedo
  Replies (4) Good night (1268) Bad night (430)
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it

  (501): View more from Arkansas

  Then he went and peed on those teenagers.

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  (501): I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it (501): Then he went and peed on those teenagers. http://tfl.nu/3fwd
  Replies (6) Good night (1189) Bad night (482)
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show

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  (404): Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show http://tfl.nu/4xxy
  Replies (3) Good night (581) Bad night (277)
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.

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  (702): Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women. http://tfl.nu/b3we
  Replies (3) Good night (527) Bad night (304)
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants

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  (404): yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants http://tfl.nu/r49e
  Replies (3) Good night (424) Bad night (159)

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