do herpes really smell.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
