you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
