My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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