Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
