Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
