How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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