I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
