I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
should my penis look like a turkey
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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