Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize