Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
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