I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
