I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
