I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
