Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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