the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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