I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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