Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
