I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
