My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I CAN MOONWALK!
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
