Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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