Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
