as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
