I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
