I want to make a zoo with you.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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