booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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