I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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