I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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