if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
