theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
