In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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