I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
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