my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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