Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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